DENVER DIVES: The Lamplighter

Upon arriving at The Lamplighter (6970 Eudora Dr) my initial reaction was “I hope someone doesn’t break a pool stick over my back.” But after further inspection I realized the regulars were more scared of a city boy like myself then I was scared of them. A subtle collection of bikers, ex-cons, and maintenance alcoholics makes for interesting conversation. Open at 9 A.M. everyday The Lamplighter offers one dollar draws of three beers on tap so selecting a brew doesn’t cut into time that should be spent drinking. This dive is for people on the mission to drink, featuring only the bare necessities: one pool table, a cigarette machine (half stocked), no TVs and no ladies under 40.

This place is not for the weak minded. If you can stand the crooked eyed patrons at the bar who seem to be looking through you with the left eye, and to the floor with the right caused by a severe head trauma in their youth or a touch of autism, then you’re golden. If you feel uncomfortable being hit on by women your mothers age chasing their fleeting youth, keep on driving. It’s always easy to find someone to shoot pool with and if ten beers doesn’t do you in, the intoxicating smell of nearby oil refineries will.

All in all The Lamplighter is a great place to get tanked without keeping up appearances, or celebrating your friends recent release from jail.

DENVER DIVES: The Dirty Duck @ Evans and Dahlia

If you’re like us, you hate long lines leading into a bar and cover charges on top of an already expensive tab you’re sure to accumulate in an honest night’s drinking. Shitty electronica played insanely loud only enrages you more as you push through the crowd to reach a bartender, and then there’s the long time it takes to get a beer when there’s plenty of hot girls that will obviously be served before you.

So you opt for the dives, or if you haven’t, maybe you will after we take you through inside tours of some of the best dives in Denver to buy a drink. Places where the beer is cheap and there aren’t many on tap, or where you might hear a decent live jazz group instead of 50 Cent’s recent suck-ass single blasting on club speakers, and the kind of place where degenerate colorful people get their buzz going.

The first place to be featured in Denver Dives is The Dirty Duck (4780 E Evans Ave), where its non-central location blocks away from Colorado and Evans means overcrowding probably won’t ever be an issue in this bar’s shed-like confines. Here you’re not going to face the crushing realization of your self-worth when a crowd full of attractive men or women (according to your preference) collectively ignore you. Instead of full-chested, youthful ladies who only pay attention to you if you buy them several cranberry-vodka mixed drinks, you get saggy-bosomed, life-drained women who might have enough heart left in ‘em to fuck you for a Keystone Light. As for the men, well, the guys operate the same as anywhere else: drunk and trying to impress any “fives” or above with small talk or drinks, but at least they’re too old to pop their collars, and that can only be a good thing.